So

So here I am again.  Feeling worse than ever.  I am so overweight and I have lost any semblance of myself in the chaos that is our life.  I have started to lose this weight.  Hopefully while I do I find myself again somewhere.

I was never supposed to be fat, and nothing.  I am fat and nothing.  I don't even speak to people who aren't my family, or medical professionals anymore.

My first aim...is to lose this weight.  And then I will do something for me.  I am not sure what yet, but I will.

Why

Why does the Daddy get to blame the Mummy for the way things have to revolve around health issues.? Why does the mummy get into trouble when she has a bad day ? why is it the mummy that gets up all night to sick children, balances appointments, does medication but the Daddy gets to blame her when he doesn't have the guts to tell his family no...

And why why why does our baby have to be so sick that when her sister is actually sick the locum dr still thinks she is the sick one when it is just her normally. Oh I need sleep.

Tomorrow...

There are some things a mummy shouldn't have to do...watch her children be anaethitised is one of these things...

Tomorrow both our girls are having an endoscopy....Chloe is also having an iron infusion and sigmoidoscopy. Oh I feel ill thinking about it....

The moments

That make it all worthwhile. Parenting as my children have got older in some ways is a lot more rewarding but in other ways harder. Harder because they know how to walk/talk.smile/say I love you. The joy on small childrens faces as they discover new things, the flowers that surround them, the new way they climb, the words they learn. That joy is incredible and I hope I am never too old or too busy to remember the wonder that is my children.
So now my girls are growing older the moments of joy are less often for them. I guess also the joyful moments get shared around as well. I was lucky to stay at home and so I saw and shared the moments.
Today when I picked Chloe up from preschool her teacher called me over to share a story. There were flowers in the garden and chloe picked one for her teacher and then picked one to bring home to me. A little girl, a bit younger than C, loves flowers. D, the teacher, said to Chloe, could you show Ruby where the flowers are as she loves them. Chloe said " yes I would but I don't think there are any flowers left. It's ok though, here Ruby, here is one of mine."
Her teacher was so excited and it warms my heart to hear things like this.
Well done princess, you are gorgeous.

I do have to say though she has had a great teacher. Mostly her big sister Jess, is an amazing sharer. She often shares everything with Chloe and will say no to things if her sister can't have them as well.

Aaahh proud mummy moments make it all worthwhile.

In the words

Of one of my favourite songs by Snow Patrol..Chasing Cars...
I need your grace to remind me to find my own....

Some of my biggest moments have been when I have been reminded to find my grace by someone who does actually have grace.
I feel overwhelmed and surrounded by people who don't have grace and so all I feel like I am doing right now is floundering.

Oh to breathe easily for a while, a week, a day, a minute. How I would like to just lay here and forget the world....

Once...

I was a nicer person who laughed more
I was a more attentive wife
I was a better friend who put others first
I was the mother who never yelled and laughed and did craft and went out and saw friends
I was able to ignore stupidity
I was funny

Now I am tired and more than anything feeling sad and a little alone and I know I am here due to the fact that I haven't slept in nearly 5 years and my life is overtaken by medical appts and spinning round in my head is the reality's that we face every day..and I am tired....

Mothering a sick child

Once upon a time, I had a baby that slept all night. Once upon a time my biggest worry was what to wear to playgroup. Mothering when all is going well is such an easy game to play. Lots of people want to be your friend, after all surrounding yourself with positive energy is what matters. Once upon a time my husband and I got plenty of time to ourselves, after all our child slept for 12 hours, seperated easily and we always knew where we stood with her.



Then we had our second baby, our longed for second child.

She was a sick little girl when she was born with a chest with fluid no one could ever quite explain. Then she go bronciolitis at 6 weeks. Wow in 2.5 years we had never seen a paed with DD1 and here we were seeing one.

Then she refluxed...and refluxed and refluxed....and still to this day nearly 5 years later she still does. Then she became unsettled and more unsettled and more unsettled again. And the friends took a step backwards. I was not so cheery, I was bloody exausted. A state I have yet to leave all these years on. And then our fantastic gp said isn't right. I went to a talk given by a paediatric gastroenterologist about a disease that mimics reflux but is an allergic disease and it's called eosiniphilic esophagisits. So we saw the gastro, and he did an endoscopy. Seeing your baby go under anesthetic is not something I want to repeat. And yes she did have it.

Sad day

My family is ok and I am ever so greatful for that but today my ultimate sporting hero died.

Chris Mainwaring, the amazing number 3, hero of my younger days died today, unexpectedly at the age of 41.

I remember idolising Mainy for so long. He was one of the best West Coast Eagles to ever play. I remember his role in the grand finals we won. I remember his cheekiness, his larrikenness, his Aussieness. To many in Perth Chris Mainwaring was a hero. I remember when he fell from grace and was found with marijuana. It's almost funny now, to see how time ticks on and illegal drugs are such a big part of sone of our hugest sporting heros. Back then it was scandolous.

Chris Mainwaring you were an amazing footballer. You will go down as a part of the West Coast Eagles dynasty and you will never be forgotton. My thoughts are with your wife and children.

Well here I am

Welcome old friends and new, or perhaps I should just say hello to myself as I am unsure who will be interested in my dribble....:)



I want to remember the preciousness of life. So much has happened to us as a family in the past five years that I have forgotten to stop and smell the roses, to delight in the very fact that each day is precious.



Today I sat and listened to my girls laughing hysterically about a silly show on TV. Well Chloe started laughing and then Jessie joined in and then I had to laugh as there is no sweeter noise than your children delighting in the nonsense that is life sometimes.



Once I used to delight in life a little more visibly. But then things just overwhelmed me and being a mother, wife, friend and lover seemed to overtake the me that used to be. And although I never can be that girl again, and really don't want to , I do want to enjoy more moments as life is far too short to take too seriously.

This is the place for me. There aren't too many of those anymore and I need somewhere.